This offseason, the Philadelphia Phillies did their best Free Willy impression with the huge splash signing of free agent Bryce Harper. The move served as a bat signal of sorts to the fair weather fans that it was time to jump back on the bandwagon. The rebuild was over. “The process” (Phillies edition, sorry sixers, congrats on another eastern conference semifinal appearance though) was complete. The Phillies brain trust inked the 26 year old aspiring hair model to a 13 year $330 million contract. Now I know what you’re thinking, “what’s a Mormon in Philadelphia gonna do with $330 million worth of mousse and styling gel?” Well, rest assured, that lettuce is gonna be perfectly quaffed each and every time he takes his helmet off after he strikes out (54 times in 177 plate appearances in 2019, but who’s counting).

Yeah, I’m sure the phils coughed up 25 mil a year for a .222 batting average and 7 dingers through 40 games. They’re not even beginning to regret anything. That said, if the Phillies front office members are in fact waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and taking a hard look at themselves in the proverbial mirror, I think its only natural to ask yourself if you spent that money the right way. Well, I’m here to play ghost of Christmas could have been and list 3 far more sensible ways the Phillies organization could have spent that $330 million.

  1. 57 million double quarter pounder with cheese sandwiches. The DQP, as the kids call it, is the unquestioned tastiest item on the McDonald’s menu. 2 quarter pound 100% Canadian beef patties cooked to perfection? Sign me up. Now the Phillies owners would need to get back in the fans good graces after not signing Bryce Harper, and fast food is the quickest way into any true Americans heart. The ownership group could do quite a few seasons worth of DQP giveaway nights to fans in an attempt to boost attendance. We all know the MLBs struggle with attendance the last few years, what better way to get asses into seats than to giveaway a couple hour old fast food cheeseburgers with a ticket purchase to the game. Nothing says America quite like fast food and clogged arteries.
  2. Speaking of UNclogging, how about 13.2 million squatty potties. Is it a stupid sounding name? Of course. Does it revolutionize the way Americans take care of business? You bet your sweet ass it does. An investment like this would show the fans how much you care. Not about winnning out on the field, but winning battles in the restroom. Millions of Americans struggle with constipation and other bathroom related issues. Go to bat for the fans and give em the extra nudge they need to shit comfortably in the piss and puke infested Citizens Bank Park restrooms.
  3. A little outlandish here for number 3, but 1.65 million pairs of AirPods. You know how cool people think they are with 1 pair of AirPods? Imagine having 1.65 million of those suckers. You’d be fighting off chicks with a baseball bat. And probably taking better swings than Bryce Harper has so far this season.

-Danny Phantom