Nothing quite like causing some controversy on a Monday morning. Just a brief disclaimer: this ranking is 100% the truth and cannot be debated. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules, but this is my fucking blog, so sorry, but those are the rules. I was born in 1995, so keep that in mind as I didn’t watch some of the earliest ones much and haven’t seen any of the most recent ones. Let’s rank some classics.
No. 17: Life is Ruff (2005)
This blockbuster had it all: dogs. That’s pretty much the only good part of this movie, in my memory.
No. 16: Jump In! (2007)
This movie was Corbin Bleu’s big break. It reminds me of Jump Rope for Heart. Wasn’t that a thing in elementary school? I remember I used to rig the jump roping contest because the last person standing won. I just did it a glacial pace and ended up winning. I also never could do double dutch, which was the main plot point of this movie.
No. 15: Alley Cats Strike (2001)
I gotta be honest: There’s really only one part of this movie that I remember. Obviously, it’s a bowling movie and there was a climactic 7-10 split. Everyone who is anyone knows that this is an almost impossible shot. If you didn’t try this at $1 family day at the local bowling alley, you are more full of shit than you even know. Spoiler alert: Everyone hates you when you do this since the ball takes 10 minutes to get down the lane.
No. 14: Cadet Kelly (2002)
Only putting this in to plug that Hilary Duff and I have the same birthday. When I found this out in 3rd grade, my world changed. Also, as a big women’s rights guy, this movie has done a lot for female empowerment in the military, imo.
No. 13: Motocrossed (2001)
Another entry in the “Women Can Do Sports and Stuff” genre. Straight from the Wikipedia entry on this movie:
Motocrossed is a 2001 Disney Channel Original Movie about a girl named Andrea Carson who loves motocross, despite the fact that her father finds her unsuited for the sport, being that she is “just a girl”.
This movie also made me want to ride a bike for a little while afterward. It gets extra points because motocross is such an exciting sport. Shoutout the X Games, which come on every summer and I always forget about it until it is inevitably on ESPN at 10 pm in the middle of July.
No. 12: Minutemen (2008)
Points were deducted because Jason Dolley, of Cory in the House fame, played a character named Virgil. Fucking VIRGIL. I guarantee no one has been named Virgil in at least 2,000 years. But points were gained because it’s a movie about time travel and they have the dopest name ever: Snowsuit Guys. And there’s a black hole involved. Pretty cool.
No. 11: Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off (2003)
This movie combines two of America’s past-times: baseball and cooking. I think this might be the originator of this famous Disney plot point:
My man Eddie plays for the Groundhogs (again, no athletic team has ever been called the Groundhogs) and is coached by his dad. But of course, chaos ensues, once again from the Wikipedia page:
As it turns out, the day of the baseball finals and the day of the cook-off are the same, leaving Eddie to make the choice to please his father or follow his dreams.
No. 10: Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam (2010)
Probably one of the most anticipated sequels of my lifetime. This movie introduced me to one of my favorite songs:
As a fellow man that struggles with communication, particularly in relationships with women, I relate to Nick Jonas here. Gotta do whatcha gotta do to talk to girls, it’s tough. Side note: Connect 3 is a dumb band name.
No. 9: Smart House (1999)
This isn’t a fiction movie: This is a manifesto. Exhibit A of why Amazon Alexa and Google Home and Siri can never be trusted. I have never used Siri and I have had my iPhone for 3.5 years.
No. 8: StarStruck (2010)
Finally, a character with a name suitable for his character arc: Christopher Wilde, the teen heartthrob singer. The classic “I-Don’t-Care-About-This-Boy-But-I-Still-Fell-For-Him-After-Knowing-Him-For-Three-Hours” plot point. Christopher Wilde aka Prince Charming, amirite? Also, this movie introduced the world to this absolute bop:
No. 7: The Luck of the Irish (2001)
Another entry in the “basketball/hijinks ensue” genre. This gets points for being synonymous with a holiday. Every St. Patrick’s Day, this movie would be played almost on loop. Best character name? Reilly O’Reilly.
No. 6: The Thirteenth Year (1999)
This one gets points for the originality. Most mermaid movies (see: The Little Mermaid) focus on the female mermaid experience whereas this one focuses on the male mermaid experience. Also, if you didn’t have a crush on Cody’s mermaid mom, you’re just lying to yourself.
No. 5: Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie (2009)
This was in my Disney Channel watching prime. I was a huge fan of the show, specifically Alex Russo aka Selena Gomez. As I re-read the Wikipedia page for research purposes, it was actually a super-dramatic movie. I remember it for the part that determined who would retain their wizard powers forever.
No. 4: Lemonade Mouth (2011)
Probably the last Disney Channel Original Movie I got amped up for. Absolutely fantastic music. Also introduced us to the word “Determinate.” What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t know, but the song slaps.
No. 3: Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century (1999)
Just an absolutely spectacular film, and I won’t hear any slander about the slang being absolutely ridiculous. The special effects made this movie what it was. It also stars a baby Raven-Symone before she blew up. Another movie with a song that slaps. “Zoom, zoom, zoom, make my heart go boom, boom.” Give this man a Grammy.
No. 2: High School Musical 2 (2007)
Sorry to disappoint, but I was never really into the first High School Musical. But the second one was right in my prime. Home all summer, too young to work, too old for day camp. Just sit around and watch Disney Channel all day. I think I learned a lot about relationships while watching this movie. Obligatory plug of the song that slaps:
Although I have a soft spot for using this song to illustrate why I don’t go to clubs:
No. 1: Camp Rock (2008)
Demi Lovato’s coming-out party and what a party it was. This was teased on Disney Channel for like six months and I made sure to not have any hoodrat plans with my friends when this movie premiered. So many great songs. I’ll attach some of my favorites. A great movie to reference while talking to a Tinder match to show off your soft side.
Once again, this is the definitive list and you can’t disagree with me.
-tomfoolery was here
uneducated guesses 