To whom it may concern… If you didn’t know, now you do: I’m not a confrontational person. I’ve thrown one punch in my life, which stemmed from a lethal cocktail of 10 Bud Lights, a few Platinums, and a couple playful shoves that turned nasty. Spoiler alert: the punch did not land.

Due to my limitations, I am not one to solve problems with violence. But there has to be a better solution than a strongly worded letter. When in the history of history has a strongly worded letter proven effective? The only people who use the phrase are definitely narcs.

Is the new strongly worded letter a Change.org petition? Maybe it’s a tweet that says “retweet if you agree, trying to prove a point.” Is technology ruining effective conflict resolution or streamlining the process? By sharing a tweet with my 74 followers that are definitely real and not porn bots, I am fighting the power.

My point remains that people in power have definitely never used a letter-opener that also serves as a refrigerator magnet to open an envelope, read the enclosed letter, and thought to themselves, “you know, this random person makes a really good point.”

With this being said, any time I say I’m going to write a strongly worded letter, it elicits at least a giggle from whoever I’m speaking to. Maybe that just speaks to my charm or devilishly handsome features, I’m not sure.

Now that I re-read this, I don’t like it’s strongly-worded enough. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY. BURN DOWN THE ESTABLISHMENT. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STRONGLY-WORDED-LETTER-NOT-MAKING-ANY-IMPACT-ON-REAL-LIFE ASS. That fits the criteria, I think.

Thank you for your time,

Tomfoolery