It’s the best time of the year, and no, I’m not talking about the Sonic half-price milkshake after 8 pm promotion. It’s the Women’s College World Series, the pinnacle of the sport. My girl Miranda Elish got knocked out, literally and figuratively, of the tournament last round so now I am in search of a new team and girl. I think I found both.
A mere 15 seconds after showing a montage of bat flips that this girl has already done this year, Samantha Show of Oregon State clobbered a ball to the moon and threw the bat with so much disrespect I couldn’t tell if she thought it was a home run or a pop-up.
Will this change the future of the bat-flip game? Everyone knows that softball moves the needle, it will be interesting to see if this trend makes it way to the MLB. Personally, I’m more a fan of an actual flip, but any celebration is a good celebration.
For those crying about bat flips, get the fuck out of here. Any time fun is injected into sports, we should be encouraging it.
Currently 8-7 after a tough night last night. I give up betting on Phillies games. I’m too invested in them already that I don’t want to lose twice, ya know what I mean.
The Phillies were playing at 1 pm today so I decided to head to the local watering hole to enjoy a few adult beverages and watch the local sports ball team (The game didn’t go very well). What follows is a few of my notes on my time at the bar.
First song playing is Unwritten. You can’t hate Natasha Bedingfeld starting off your solo adventure at the sports bar on a Thursday afternoon. “today is where your book begins,” thanks, Nat. I needed that.
I wish I had known the Phillies were wearing their baby blue unis. I’m hiding my boner in the bar.
If its 2 pm now, and 59 cent boneless wings begin at 5, do you think I can make it until then? (Update: I didn’t make it until then.)
Eating while on the phone has to be one of the most disrespectful things of all time. This dude next to me has no manners.
A bartender friend of mine made me a Dark and Stormy about a year ago. I’ve been on a quest to try it at a bar, but every time I ask someone, they always look at me like I have three heads. Update: Today was not the day I got a dark and stormy. Bummer.
Looking around and realizing you’re the only person in a bar/restaurant is a startling realization.
Jordan Spieth looks like a fucking idiot in orange.
Three wins last night with a miracle cover by the Bucks. Record is now at 7-5, can’t complain too much about that. A lot of sports going on today. PGA Championships started this morning. Day baseball, NHL, and NBA. Full slate.
MIL @ PHI (-1.5) O/U 91:05 pm on NBC Sports Philly
Phils got smoked last night but my under pick paid dividends as the scored ended 6-1.
Eflin vs Davies – a solid pitching matchup
PICK: Under 9 once again.
BOS @ CAR (+1.5) O/U 5.58:00 pm on NBC Sports Network
Hurricanes are going to roll over and let the Bruins pet their collective bellies tonight.
As a novice hockey guy though, I’m just gonna ride the over train.
PICK: Over 5.5
POR @ GS (-7.5) O/U 2199:00 pm on ESPN
I need Dame and CJ to figure their shit out. But I just don’t think they will be able to do that in Oracle.
Things are not going my way. I went 0-3 last night, moving my uneducated guesses record to 4-5. Need some winners tonight. Let’s see what’s on the docket.
MIL @ PHI (-110) O/U 97:05 pm on NBC Sports Philly
Gio Gonzalez vs Jake Arrieta. Classic matchup of guys about two years removed from their prime.
Phils played like dog-shit last night, but I’m hoping they get their shit back together today.
This offseason, the Philadelphia Phillies did their best Free Willy impression with the huge splash signing of free agent Bryce Harper. The move served as a bat signal of sorts to the fair weather fans that it was time to jump back on the bandwagon. The rebuild was over. “The process” (Phillies edition, sorry sixers, congrats on another eastern conference semifinal appearance though) was complete. The Phillies brain trust inked the 26 year old aspiring hair model to a 13 year $330 million contract. Now I know what you’re thinking, “what’s a Mormon in Philadelphia gonna do with $330 million worth of mousse and styling gel?” Well, rest assured, that lettuce is gonna be perfectly quaffed each and every time he takes his helmet off after he strikes out (54 times in 177 plate appearances in 2019, but who’s counting).
Yeah, I’m sure the phils coughed up 25 mil a year for a .222 batting average and 7 dingers through 40 games. They’re not even beginning to regret anything. That said, if the Phillies front office members are in fact waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and taking a hard look at themselves in the proverbial mirror, I think its only natural to ask yourself if you spent that money the right way. Well, I’m here to play ghost of Christmas could have been and list 3 far more sensible ways the Phillies organization could have spent that $330 million.
57 million double quarter pounder with cheese sandwiches. The DQP, as the kids call it, is the unquestioned tastiest item on the McDonald’s menu. 2 quarter pound 100% Canadian beef patties cooked to perfection? Sign me up. Now the Phillies owners would need to get back in the fans good graces after not signing Bryce Harper, and fast food is the quickest way into any true Americans heart. The ownership group could do quite a few seasons worth of DQP giveaway nights to fans in an attempt to boost attendance. We all know the MLBs struggle with attendance the last few years, what better way to get asses into seats than to giveaway a couple hour old fast food cheeseburgers with a ticket purchase to the game. Nothing says America quite like fast food and clogged arteries.
Speaking of UNclogging, how about 13.2 million squatty potties. Is it a stupid sounding name? Of course. Does it revolutionize the way Americans take care of business? You bet your sweet ass it does. An investment like this would show the fans how much you care. Not about winnning out on the field, but winning battles in the restroom. Millions of Americans struggle with constipation and other bathroom related issues. Go to bat for the fans and give em the extra nudge they need to shit comfortably in the piss and puke infested Citizens Bank Park restrooms.
A little outlandish here for number 3, but 1.65 million pairs of AirPods. You know how cool people think they are with 1 pair of AirPods? Imagine having 1.65 million of those suckers. You’d be fighting off chicks with a baseball bat. And probably taking better swings than Bryce Harper has so far this season.
I’m a sharp, I’m hot, I cannot miss right now. After a miraculous comeback from the Phillies and a goal in the last five minutes by the Blues, I’m now 4-2. Today is a monumental day, lots of big games on the docket. Let’s talk sportz.
MIL @ PHI (+1.5) O/U 8.57:05 pm on NBC Sports Philly
The Brew Crew is brewing up some mediocre beer lately as they have lost three straight games. (I’m sorry, I’m still finding my voice on the blog, that was a bad joke, I’ll improve soon).
Meanwhile, the Phillies have won three straight games. Not sure why the Brewers are favorites today.
Pitching matchup: Brandon Woodruff (MIL, 5-1, 4.25 ERA) vs. Jerad Eickhoff (PHI, 2-1, 1.50 ERA). Not a sabermetrics guy but come on, that’s a slap in young JErad’s face to be the underdog.
PICK: Phillies (+1.5)
BOS @ CAR (-1.5) O/U 5.58:00 pm on NBC Sports Network
Bruins are up 2-0 as they’ve been cycling the fuck out of some pucks and have outscored the Canes 11-4 in two games.
As a hockey novice, I don’t know what will actually happen in this game. I think Carolina might have some jump so it might actually be a close game, but Boston looks like a wagon.
PICK: Can never go wrong by picking the over. Plus the average goals scored in the first two games has been 7.5 and that’s called a trend.
POR @ GS (-7.5) O/U 220.5 9:00 pm on ESPN
The Warriors didn’t beat the Rockets last round by more than six points in any of their wins.
I just like the Blazers. McCollum and Lillard are an awesome young backcourt to watch so I’ll be rooting for them. They played the Warriors tough a few years ago in the playoffs.
PICK: Blazers (+7.5). I feel like they’ll never really have a chance to win this game, but I think they’ll keep it within 10 for most of the game and make a couple buckets late to cover.
7 hours. That’s how long it’s been since the news of John Beilein leaving the University of Michigan basketball program rocked the basketball world. And when I say basketball world I obviously just mean my world. Text messages left and right (okay you caught me, 2 people texted me) asking if I saw the news, and what it meant for the Michigan basketball program. Truth be told I was shocked. John Beilein was my guy. The perfect college coach to lead a clean program while the rest of college basketball was finding slick new ways to pay high school players and their uncle’s neighbor’s 3rd cousin to get them to go to school A over school B. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think Beilein would retire a Michigan Wolverine, ideally after finally raising that elusive NCAA championship banner. Now that dream is dead. And we, as a collective community have to find a way to pick ourselves up by our Jordan branded bootstraps and move on.
Before we move on, let’s take a quick trip down Michigan basketball memory lane. This is important for some of you Youngblood’s out here thinking the Beilein years are how it’s always been. Over the last 12 years, John Beilein took a program from death’s door and delivered it to the gates of the promised land. 278 wins, 2 Big Ten regular season titles to go along with 2 Big Ten tournament titles, 9 trips to the big dance culminating in 2 NCAA title game appearances. That’s all well and good, but I think we can admit we’ve been spoiled. Before Beilein, Michigan basketball was in shambles. Anyone remember the Tommy Amaker era? 5 of his 6 years were spent on probation as part of the fallout from the Ed Martin scandal (i.e. that joke about paying players from last paragraph), highlighted by the NIT championship in 2004 (who could ever forget that “championship”). Do I even need to go into the Brian Ellerbe years? Or did we all agree to bury that deep and neverrrrrr bring it up again.
Glad we’re in agreement. I wont mention Brian Ellerbe’s 4 years as Michigan’s head coach if you won’t.
The point of all this is that John Beilein WAS Michigan basketball. He was more than the greatest coach in Michigan history, he was unequivocally the basketball program’s savior. Whoever gets hired to replace him will have big shoes to fill, there’s no doubt about that, but they’re also inheriting the program he built. Michigan is now a name brand in the basketball world. So let’s all take a minute to appreciate what the great John Beilein did for Michigan, pour ourselves another stiff drink, and trust that AD Warde Manuel can find a worthwhile replacement.
So my advice to all my fellow Michigan fans out there struggling to know which way is up right now is simple, let’s trust that the athletic department won’t rush into a dumb hire, and believe in the program Johnny boy built. We had a good run, but it can’t just be over. Right?
So I went 2-2 yesterday, betting spreads and totals. I think the rest of the playoffs I’m just going to do one bet per game to keep it simpler for myself.
No NBA tonight, which is not ideal. Milwaukee at Philadelphia for Monday Night Baseball, so that’s how I’ll be spending most of my Monday night.
MIL @ PHI (-1.5) O/U 8.5
Brewers are 24-18 while Phillies are 23-16. Battle of the big dogs in Philly.
Nola is pitching for the Phils, while some scrub named Freddy Peralta is pitching for the brewers.
PICK: I’m a homer so I’d obviously hammer the Phils -1.5.
BOLD PREDICTION: Nola goes 8 innings, two runs, seven K’s. Harper and Rhys hit back-to-back jacks in the 5th inning to give Philly some breathing room.
STL @ SJ (-1.5) O/U 5.5
Game two of the Western Conference Finals after the Sharks smacked the Blues 6-3 on Saturday.
As a Missouri transplant, I have a soft spot for the Blues, but I feel like they can’t turn it around on such short notice.
PICK: over 5.5. Can’t commit one way or another and don’t want my rooting interests to be in jeopardy.
DISCLAIMER: I’ve watched no playoff hockey since the Caps lost in round one, so I don’t think my opinion has much validity.
I’ll just be straight-up: I don’t have the money to actually gamble right now. There are a lot of things I’ve told myself that I would do once I get a steady paycheck and lose the ball and chain. I’m gonna buy an actually nice pair of shoes, buy a round of drinks for the bar, and gamble within my means on sporting events that I typically do not care about. For now, fake gambling will have to suffice. The way I do this is by going on the ESPN app and seeing what the line is and what the O/U is. I just pick so I know what my record would be at the end of the day, not to actually see how much money I would make/lose because that math is too complicated. Side note: I learned the multiplication tables so fast in elementary school it would have made your goddamn head spin. Mental math was a strong suit of mine and I should definitely include that in the Skills section of my LinkedIn page.
Obviously, tomorrow is a huge NBA day with two Game 7s. I’m being dragged to the grocery store tomorrow, but I hope to sit on my couch and watch all the basketball my heart desires and not miss too much time deciding whether I want Crunch Berries or Cinnamon toast crunch. A very difficult decision worth spending more than three seconds on, but not difficult enough to miss the tip of the Blazers game at 3:30 pm.
Blazers @ Nuggets (-5.5) O/U 212.5
I feel like, for the most part, this series has been very competitive. This line feels high, especially considering Portland has taken a game in Denver already.
I might just be a sucker for Lillard cause literally the first playoff basketball I watched, besides the NBA finals, was the Blazers-Warriors second-round series in 2016. That was the series where Steph declared himself back from an injury only use to use it as a crutch when the Warriors blew the finals a month later. I fucking loved watching Lillard and McCollum stare down the giants and would love to see them get another crack at it.
via NBA/giphy
Pick: Blazers +5.5, over 212.5. Blazers have played a shit-ton more playoff basketball than these Nuggets and that will play to their advantage in a pivotal game seven. BOLD PREDICTION: Lillard makes a WTF shot inside a minute left for the dagger to send Portland to the Western Conference Finals.
76ers @ Raptors (-6.5) O/U 209
Why do I feel like the baby Sixers are gonna shit in their diaper and not even have a chance in this game against Robo-Kawhi and the Raptors? I admit I’ve seen maybe 10 minutes of this series but rumor has it Kawhi has been a killer.
Kawhi literally won a Finals MVP 365 days after legally being allowed to drink a Bud Light and I feel like people forget that.
I think this round was another minor step forward in the Process, but I think Kawhi gets the Raps over the hump and back into the Eastern Conference Finals.
Pick: Raptors -6.5, under 209
DISCLAIMER: I watched about a game and a half on Christmas Day and maybe a total of 37 minutes of regular season basketball besides that. I do listen to Ryen Russillo and Bill Simmons talk NBA so I think I know what the fuck is going on. The main reason to trust my picks though is because I have a wordpress.
uneducated guesses 