uneducated guesses

Let the record show, I am not a Nickelback hater. I’ve listened to multiple Nickelback songs without obtaining measurable hearing loss (that was a genetic thing, don’t get it twisted). I don’t know when it became trendy to hate on the one of the finest Canadian imports since Jack Frost, but I’m not too happy about it.

All The Right Reasons was released during my formative years when I first began listening to music and watching music videos. It had a profound impact on me and my future karaoke endeavors. I’m glad Billboard agreed with me and declared Nickelback the most successful rock group of the decade (2000s), edging out notorious groups like Papa Roach and Franz Ferdinand.

The following is a comprehensive list (read: the songs I’ve actually listened to) of Nickelback songs, ranked by how corny the music video is.

No. 5: “Rockstar” (2006)

A staple of the Tomfoolery Karaoke Rotation. Just a shade below “Mr. Brightside,” although it really gets middle-aged Midwestern women going. Don’t ask how I know this. Corny parts:

• Kind of an actually unique concept with random folks each lip-syncing a line. I’m absolutely fascinated by what the pitch meeting for this video was… “So yeah, we want a bunch of really hot playboy bunnies, but also some goofy kids, and throw in a couple cops because Blue Lives Matter. Oh and Wayne Gretzky, definitely get the Great One involved.” Sidenote: who allowed the shot of Wayne splashing the pool with his hockey stick? Embarrassing that that made the final cut.
• Also, that kid at 1:38 needs to be fired. Just a piss poor effort, his (or her, we don’t assume gender here at Uneducated Guesses) timing is way off.
• Having an Elvis impersonator right after an Elvis line is just pure poetry. Genius, wish I would have thought of that. Same thing goes for the Playboy bunnies singing the line about wanting a front door key to the Playboy mansion. No wonder these guys are the best rock band of the 2000s with these cutting-edge, make-you-think music videos.
• Your big NBA star for the video was Grant Hill? The guy who is almost universally-known as the biggest what-if in NBA history. Get a new basketball consultant.
• The finale. C’mon now.

No. 4: “Gotta Be Somebody” (2008)

The anthem of incels everywhere. Corny parts:

• Just an absolutely sensational opening scene. Really paints the picture of how vast this universe aka “out there” really is. Although the spinning did upset my tummy a little bit. Lens flare from the sun is a nice touch. Adds to the “this is definitely not CGI” quotient.
• Right when the chorus hits, the floor of the Colosseum splits right down the middle. What a spectacular sonic boom.
• What’s up with these matching outfits? Four middle-aged men in black T-shirts from Wal-Mart and faded jeans make me more uncomfortable than it probably should.
• These boys are keeping their composure on a bridge that is literally breaking underneath their feet. Just remarkable. Quite the storm brewing, it appears. Bridges are one of my least favorite things in the world, particularly when I am stationary on one. This scene is practically my nightmare in Canadian-rock-star-music-video form.
• Not entirely sure why the climax is in an airplane graveyard. Ya got me stumped there, Nickelback.

No. 3: “If Today Was Your Last Day” (2008)

The classic “Be A Better Person Song.” Who better than Nickelback to share that message? Corny parts:

• Right off the top, singing in a room with dangling lightbulbs is corny as hell. Doesn’t even really make sense in the context of this song. Makes Chad glow, I suppose. I feel like that’s gotta be a fire hazard or something though, right?
• The computer screen saying “What if?” Really make you think, doesn’t it?
• Honestly, the corny factor is a little slow in the middle part, which is why it’s not higher (lower?) on this list.
• The classic “do-something-shady, realize-there’s-a-cop-lurking, stop-doing-shady-shit” maneuever by those kids. Community policing at its finest.
• The disgruntled businessman withdrawing a bunch of money and then handing it out to strangers with a smile. What a dichotomy. Why can’t that ever happen to me? Why can’t a rich, white dude give me 100 bucks to fulfill some existential desire to be charitable?
• If some hoodrat kids ever dumped confetti onto a riverwalk that I was traversing, my immediate concern would be, “who is cleaning this mess up?” or I’d just slip and fall on my ass. Never really been a big confetti guy. The confetti slips conveniently having the lyrics of the song is a twist I did not see coming. The newspaper having the lyrics on it, though, almost made me vomit.
• The donation of coats, although corny, is appreciated. We could all use a nice warm coat in what appears to be the month of April, considering no one looks actually cold.

No. 2: “Far Away” (2006)

I was going to leave this off the list because I respect first responders (and second responders), but I think it’s more disrespectful not to roast this video. Corny parts:

• Right off the bat, the corny shot of the middle-class house. Just an absolute must-have in any video that wishes to give off a blue-collar vibe.
• A boy and a girl flipping through the newspaper in bed (what is this, 2005? oh wait, it actually is, my bad) before a phone call interrupts. “Gotta go to work, honey. You understand* right?” *girl proceeds to not understand, representing the phrase “smh” to a T.
• As the dude is jogging out the door, a truck with his work friend picks him up. At least they’re carpooling, nice to know they’re environmentally conscious, disregarding the fact that these blue-collar boys are riding in the official vehicle for white boys in their 20s trying to overcompensate for something (a truck, shitty gas mileage, get the joke?). But back to my original point, the truck doesn’t even really stop. The dude just kind of hops in and closes the door without the truck really stopping. Forgive me, but in my experience of picking up people, you wait in the driveway until they come out. Not a whole lot of serendipity involved.
• The chyron reading “Huge Forest Fire.” Great use of non-verbal communication to let the folks watching this music video at home that this fire is indeed a big deal. Plus the news is on two different TV stations, further increasing the legitimacy.
• WHAT A TWIST at the end! Leading the viewer to believe the dude was dead when in fact he was alive! Also, when did the rain start? I feel like that would have helped tone down the fire, but what do I know? That twist had me feeling:

No. 1: “How You Remind Me” (2001)

An absolutely perfect rock song as it encompasses the two main themes of rock music: girls and girls breaking your heart. Corny parts:

• The changing of the color from bright to dark when the girl fades away. I did this the same exact thing for a high school video project and thought I was so fucking clever. Definitely one of the tackiest music video tropes of all time. (Not sure if I used trope correctly but just go with it.)
• The band performing the song in front of a much smaller crowd than a band of that stature should. Maybe Nickelback didn’t have as much clout in 2001, but playing the Shelter from 8 Mile in front of 50 white folks is just unrealistic.
• The guitarist singing along next to Chad Kroeger. We know who the real star is, I don’t need a close-up of some no-name six-stringer to take away from Kroeger’s crooning.
• The pretty girl being the object of the lead singer’s lust. Classic. I bet they used to have sex.
• Walking in the rain to signify depression. I think they teach that in music video school. The slow-motion is a nice touch.
• This song gets extra points because it’s the biggest jam on the list and I won’t accept criticism otherwise.

There you have it. Something you didn’t know you needed until you had it.

-tomfoolery was here.