What is commitment and why am I scared of it? Ever since I broke up with a girl that I thought was perfect for most of the relationship almost four years ago, I’ve been a commitment-phobe. The reason I broke up with her was because we were dating long-distance in college and I couldn’t see what three more years apart looked like. What would happen after graduation? What is the next step? All of those questions plagued my 19-year-old brain, and now my mind is warped, as a result.

In that relationship, I did all of the sappy boyfriend shit. I sent flowers, I did the instagram captions, I paid for shit I should not have paid for (a fucking riverboat cruise in Washington, DC in February, so dumb). So I think subconsciously I have avoided being a good boyfriend (aka doing that dumb sappy shit that girls love) in future relationships since I’ve seen it end up for naught. Why do I think this way?

The longer I sit here and think about writing this blog, I think a huge part is how easy it is to not commit. It’s a lot easier to not move in with someone and stay in the comfortable situation that you’re used to. It’s a lot easier to not have to constantly be communicating with someone and just hit someone up for some company when you’re lonely. It’s a lot easier to be an asshole and the bad guy.

Another reason I think it’s hard for me to commit is just the sheer access to people we have in 2019. It’s never been easier/less stressful to meet someone than it is today. It’s terrifying to think that in a world of 7 billion people, you are expected to find the one person that’s perfect for you. That’s a daunting task. Am I really expected to believe that the person that’s meant for me grew up in my school district, or went to the same college as me, or happens to work in the same general area of the world as me?

So how do you know when to commit to something? What’s the signal? Why can’t this shit be easy? I feel like I should know innately. It should just be a gut feeling. I feel like it should be a slam dunk, I shouldn’t have second thoughts. For so long, I felt like moving in together was the right move, and then when she asked if it was only for convenience, it felt like maybe it was. I really have no idea what to do. I still feel like an asshole. This blog is over.